A nightmare relived

Retrospection – My favorite past time. I love to trace back my life, reliving the memories sitting idle on my bed. You can have a totally different perspective of the events of the past. It’s an amazing feeling that my past has had so many sweet memories. But many a times, there are sad thoughts as well. Things unable to have been forgotten – things that I’ve done and I am not proud of, they form an essentially large chunk of my reminiscent thoughts.

Brain is a complex device. Most actions you do are voluntary. But then there is a part over which you have just slight control. Dreams – some say they are a reflection of what you think during the day. Difficult to believe at first but then I did realize this when one particular dream started to haunt me and still continues to do so often.

Loneliness is awful. I have always feared loneliness, especially separation from friends. There was a time when I often thought about how life would be without people I love, people I care for. Though I knew the result always would be sadness but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. There were tears as well and stupid grins too. But then brain is a complex device – you can’t manipulate thoughts every time.

This chain of events shaped my nightmare – the dream that still leads to teary eyes every time I wake up in the middle of the night. It goes something like this.

I have always been a person who has lived for his friends, treasured them like invaluable diamonds. But then one day, I do something bad – a heinous crime that involves my best friends. I stab them in the back and act in the most selfish way, destroy their lives totally. Life goes on. One day I wake to find myself on an island. Long stretches of mountains are visible in the background hinting towards the vastness of the island. All alone by myself, I start walking. Beautiful palm trees line the shore as I watch from the top of a cliff. But the water is giving me the creeps inside – a possibility that I might be left all by myself on this paradise. I continue walking for miles. The island is full of fruit trees, fresh water, birds of paradise chirping their sweet song, but there is no human to be seen. This mere fact is exhaustive in its own way. Days pass by when one day I see a house from a mountain. A ray of hope shimmers and I reach that house after a few hours of walk. Now this house is not some ordinary piece of sand and brick structure. It’s no smaller than a castle and its magnificence can be felt even from the outside. The hope brightens and I enter that house and start exploring it. Ornate ceilings, gold furnishings, sophisticated design – the house has a totally royal look. There is everything for survival – foods of all types, shelves lined with books, modern gadgets, and rooms with furnishings I’ve never ever seen. The only thing missing in the whole house is its occupants. Its only after searching the entire house that I realize that my worst thoughts have been realized and I have been shunned into a life of social seclusion. It’s then when tears start filling my eyes and I cry – and I cry for hours.

All that is what happens in my dreams but I often wake up shockingly only to find myself with wet eyes.

“Loneliness is awful”.