The path to “Down Under”

Not a single soul knows this, but I almost owe my first trip abroad to Kislay – somebody so squeaky-clean –rather too innocent for a person like me who can be an opportunist if the circumstances desire. And the circumstances did desire for it – a dire need for some extreme action…..

Kislay had come asking to me how much 5000 Australian dollars converted to in Indian rupees expressing whether such an amount would be enough to fund him for a 12 week project in Australia. Frustrated with aping day-night for almost a month, the moment I came to know some professor has the money to call a student for a research project without even a moment of consideration for credentials, without asking the student whether he has a matching research interest, it was clear that here lies the golden goose – ready to be slaughtered. Although with the least of intention of harming Kislay’s chances, I too decided to find about this professor.

Australia had always been a dream destination for me to visit and I had left no stone unturned to find any vacant internship position. I had searched for every damn technical college in the country, mailed to each and every professor they employed but damn, all efforts in vain. Then how could a lazy ass like Kislay get some results…….Too bad, I must’ve missed something.

If there was ever a time to piggyback on Kislay’s finding, there couldn’t have been anything better than this. Trying to extract as much information as possible, I could just make out that this was some university which didn’t exactly seem like some technical university but more of a defense college something like NDA but had a technical school within its campus. In his excitement, Kisi also told me that the professor looked very young and that thing was the one which was appealing to him the most.

Combining this with the previous information I had, I again started to go through the database of all colleges in Australia looking for anything even remotely concerned with Defense. Luck couldn’t have shone on me any better – right there within the list stood out “Australian Defence Force Academy” housing the school of IT & Electrical Engineering…..

Opening the website was giving me immense pleasure in itself - My first step towards a fully paid trip to Ozzie-land and that too with one of my best friend. Going through the webpages of each and every faculty – I came to know about Dr. Mark Pickering – who almost matched the profile. It was almost confirmed by looking at the webpage of Summer Undergraduate Research Scholarship webpage that this guy indeed had loads of projects going on and was ready to dish out some great moolah. Bingo!!!

But I decided not to take any chances, and I applied for a position under each and every guy I could find – only to receive a mail next day from Mark offering me a chance to fulfill my dream – an offer of a 5000 dollar internship and a list of projects to choose one from.

I couldn’t have been any happier…..Love you Kislay!!!!

The missed flight fiasco

I’d always remember yesterday’s night – not only because it was so full of jitters with a mix of thrill. The sad part though is that it ended sadly and in the recent light of things created tense moods between me and one of my best friends.

For the past week, I had been totally ablaze to be going to Mood Indigo after two years of planning and plans getting cancelled for some funny reasons. But I guess some things are not really meant for you. Shubham’s plan got cancelled the last moment and Aarti needed to go early, creating too many complications for my plan. Not that I blame them, I could have been gone but fests are meant to be enjoyed with friends and not alone…..

Now that the plans had gotten cancelled, and I had been longing to meet friends for having been away from them for so long, I thought I’d meet Aarti and drop her to the airport. The problems started with us opting for an early morning flight leading to worries about late-night travels. It’s not considered very safe for girls to travel alone especially at night, so I had offered to travel to Chandigarh to pick Dumbo up. It was better than waiting in Delhi and would also have given me time to catch up with her.

Not that I trust her in such matters but this time I did. She was to finalize the plan and I’d just adhere. I had loads of time to reach Chandigarh but I preferred to spend most of it in Roorkee itself. There was always the situation that if I landed in Chandigarh early, I might need to go to her home. Now this is something which makes me real uncomfortable, because these mom’s always have an endless list of questions, which Aarti too realized and her plans might be risked as well because when travelling with friends, you are not always the truest in telling everything to your parents. ;)

So I left quite late and landed there around 9’o clock. According to Aarti’s plan (read her assumption :P), we were to take a bus at 9:45 and land in Delhi in 4 hours giving us loads of time to reach the airport. This proved to be the bane of all miseries as it was only later that we realized that it was possible only if the bus had some jet engines. The conductor started giving all the worries with the announcement of a 4 AM arrival in Delhi given we were lucky enough to get past the traffic jams quickly and the driver didn’t sleep on the way. Too much to digest!!

Now that the damage had been done and it was all upon luck, the start wasn’t good enough. The driver seemed to be in a state of slumber. A group of people had gathered to wake him up and even water had to be used to get him back to his senses. Might seem funny to others but somebody must have had her heart in her mouth. Aarti was giving all sorts of weird expressions and wasn’t speaking much. I guess that what happens when you are too enthusiastic and then realize you might spoil it all because of one foolish act.

We left ourselves to luck and continued on with the journey. To add to our woes, we got stuck in a long traffic jam which seemed almost endless and took 45 minutes to clear and the snacks break which although was a brief one looked like it lasted ages. Aarti got all panicky and I was praying that we just get there on time. Spending the night talking, gossiping, sleeping in all sorts of weird fashions, and tackling the weird drunkard in the seat ahead, we managed to reach Delhi border around 4 o’clock. The milestone still read 33 kms to Delhi. Woah!!! Will we miss our flight was the question in mind. Helpless as we were, we had to wait another 30 long minutes before the bus arrived at the ISBT.

Here starts the thrilling part. Getting down in a rush, I got hold of the first autowalah I saw and asked him to get us to the airport as quickly as he can. He too made out the urgency at hand and promised to get there in much lesser time than we had given him. When you have easy preys, everybody wants to make the maximum out of them and he told us that it would cost 500 frickin bucks to the airport. Although it was a bit too much but then when larger things are at stake, such amounts seem petite.

To avoid any further delays, we hired him. But when it’s not your day, nothing seems to go right. He had to stop for gas and that wasted another few precious minutes. I was cursing the autowalah like anything. But once his vehicle had its diet, its driver’s energy came back too. Cutting sharp turns, passing through inexistent spaces between vehicles, jumping traffic lights, almost having accident twice – the autowalah drove in full swing. A distance of around 30 kms was covered in mere 25 minutes….I am not very good calculations but that’s an insanely high average speed of almost 70 kmph!!!!!!!!!

But this wasn’t the end of our miseries. Once we were inside, we needed to look for the Go Air check in terminal. But it seemed to have vanished. Running frantically from one gate to another, we realized that the small passageway which I was assuming to be the exit actually led to gate 3 through to the final destination. Another few precious moments wasted. There was no time for bye-byes and Aarti went inside in a hurry. I sat there waiting for her call, hoping that I would return alone. But our quota of luck had already been exhausted. I saw a girl in yellow arguing with 2 officials to let her in, only to realize that her fate had been decided.

Arguing, fighting and finally cursing them Aarti came out with a totally dejected expression on her face. The pain was amplified by the fact that it was because of her ignorance and poor plans. She sat there in total consternation. - taking her time to digest all what had happened. But it was too much I guess. I finally dropped her to ISBT and put her on a bus back to home. Sadness, dejection, frustration, anger – It was time for all negative emotions. It was really a sad end!!

The Tiesto Phenomenon : The power of Trance personified

I once read somewhere, “Music has the power to wake up the dead”. It can be so spellbinding that it can swing emotions within. And the first thing which comes to my mind when I think of something which is totally irresistible, something that is captivating, that makes your feet thumping is “TRANCE”.

Electronic music has that power which no other genre can ever deliver. It feels as if heart goes into a rhythm as the beats fall and rise rapidly. Traditionally characterized as music with high tempo, but for me the definition is much more crude. Anything that is fast, with periodic swings of tempo, something that only a select few can enjoy, anything that has all components of electronic instruments that goes into its making is Trance. And one person whose music totally fits my profile is none other than “The lord of trance” – DJ Tiesto.

Tiesto – some people refer to him as a phenomenon, a total revolution in new age trance. There is an immense source of energy in his music which can recharge your batteries and bring you back to life from the saddest of moods. His music feels so very stimulating and invigorating.

Some people think he belongs to Mount Olympus and can just remix others’ records. But for me, he is the God. I am not much of a band-crazy music lover but if there is one person I simply adore, its Tiesto. “Tiesto rocks!”

When love becomes painful

Love they say is one of the most beautiful things that can ever happen to you. Life totally goes over a makeover when you are in love. The chief motivating factor in many of our lives is love. That one strong bond of friendship, that becomes much more. People go to extraordinary lengths and costs to find love, or to give it, to keep it, to hope for it. But some are lucky enough to find love in their best friends.

It’s the most amazing feeling to have, to have that one special friend totally capture your dreams, that one special person whom you always want to spend your time with, whom you want to talk with all day and all night. Money, fame, wealth – all seem so petite when they are measured on the scale of this invaluable treasure.

One would any day prefer to give all his time to being with the people he loves, rather than being paid to spend time working for people whom he doesn’t love, doesn’t care for. Similarly, it’s better to stay single till you find that one special soul for you. The love that motivates people to give freely their very lives is greatly inspiring.

Love for some only becomes meaningful when it’s reciprocated. For some it’s just a one-way affair but it’s still much more satisfying. But then it all depends on how much you love somebody. Now this one is from the movies, but there are various degrees of love. Love you get over in two months. Big love, two years. And Great love…Great love changes your life.

Great love is when you care more about your loved ones than you do about yourself. When their happiness, their dreams, their aspirations feel much bigger than your own. Great love is when you are willing to sacrifice anything; you are willing to go any depths, to fight with any troubles just to see your loved ones happy. Great love is when there’s nobody in this world who can make you smile more.

When love is rejected, it pains, it pains a lot. But the wounds heal – time comes to your rescue. Big love makes your life to a standstill but there is always a chance to find that second most important person in your life – there is always that chance to close the previous chapter and move on.

Great love is never rejected, it’s always lost. But when it’s lost, something inside a man dies. It’s like that element of life taken away from you. You feel like a body without a soul. It doesn’t pain, it doesn’t torment you, it doesn’t excruciate you – it kills you. Because once great love attaches to you, it doesn’t leave you. You can’t stop thinking about it – not even for a moment. It really is life changing.

And when great love is lost all you can do is run away just living with hopes and memories – hopes that seem more important than ever and memories that seem sweeter than ever.

Grayer shades of life: The darkness within

Human personality is a blend of a plethora of qualities – some good, some bad, some desirable, some inherent. But it’s not a unique entity. In my opinion every individual has multiple shades to how he presents himself to the environment – each with its own peculiar virtues and vices. This in itself is an inherent attribute of human personality.

If I for once think how I portray myself to my parents, with my friends, with my coworkers, with acquaintances and with unknowns – I can come up with at least five different answers for all the five categories and even more when I consider myself in different scenarios. This for once might seem a very generic statement but then it’s how human life has been designed. Most of us have different faces for various people in our lives.

And not all of these faces are beautiful – at least not the ones which most people hide from the eyes of the world. Every individual’s life has some grayer shades. Purity is seldom to be found, there is bound to exist some darkness within everybody in this demoniacal world, so scandalous and sinful.

When I for once reflect upon my inner-self, I find loads of bad patches on my persona. There are things everybody does which he or she is not proud of and I am no exception. There are great moments when I have had to be selfish and some when there have been extreme levels of egocentricity. I consider myself to be a person who has lived for his friends but at time I did unknowingly harm my friends, even stabbed them in the back for selfish gains. Lying, there is nothing wrong in it when it’s not discovered and it’s not extremely disturbing for others. But there have been lies which if revealed could create a whole makeover of things going on in my life.

There are people whose life is an open book and some prefer to keep it shunned to themselves. I believe mine is one which has three volumes. The first volume, I try to keep it as public as possible. The second one is known only to people really close to me, friends: partners in crime. But there is this last version, full of dark chapters – ugly and mean which I prefer to be keep only to myself, not even to be revealed to the people those are really close to me.

No matter how much you try to keep this darkness limited, it always keeps on growing. Life has been designed that way and nobody can escape from the demon within.

Dodgy desires

I looked at the rich and desired for money. I looked at a sweet little kid and desired for innocence. I looked at a happy couple and desired for love.... I looked at life...I looked at myself...Compound of needs and necessities, most of them hard to satisfy. Even if they were to be satisfied, the state of painlessness would be too boring. Goals are mere illusions which vanish when we reach them. And even sensual pleasure itself means nothing but a struggle and aspiration, ceasing the moment its aim is attained.

Desire: The root cause of all misery and pain in life. If humans were satisfied with all what they have, there would be no ambitions, no desire. But this in itself is no good. It may seem paradoxical, but desires are the driving force of life; it is only when that we try too hard to strive for those goals, those desires - when suffering starts coming into play. When you know you can have something, all the abilities and resources to strive for your goals but the moment your dreams are shattered and you are forced to stop just moments away from conquering your desires – the frustration is boundless.

(These are my thoughts as I lay on my bed here in NUS, getting bored, frustrated without friends; unable to realize what I have achieved so far, whether I have been able to live those dreams; whether my long-lived ambition of travelling the whole world as it now seems to be on the path to being achieved seems so pleasure-less…….Is this all what I wanted – a lonely life.....Life is a bitch)

A nightmare relived

Retrospection – My favorite past time. I love to trace back my life, reliving the memories sitting idle on my bed. You can have a totally different perspective of the events of the past. It’s an amazing feeling that my past has had so many sweet memories. But many a times, there are sad thoughts as well. Things unable to have been forgotten – things that I’ve done and I am not proud of, they form an essentially large chunk of my reminiscent thoughts.

Brain is a complex device. Most actions you do are voluntary. But then there is a part over which you have just slight control. Dreams – some say they are a reflection of what you think during the day. Difficult to believe at first but then I did realize this when one particular dream started to haunt me and still continues to do so often.

Loneliness is awful. I have always feared loneliness, especially separation from friends. There was a time when I often thought about how life would be without people I love, people I care for. Though I knew the result always would be sadness but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. There were tears as well and stupid grins too. But then brain is a complex device – you can’t manipulate thoughts every time.

This chain of events shaped my nightmare – the dream that still leads to teary eyes every time I wake up in the middle of the night. It goes something like this.

I have always been a person who has lived for his friends, treasured them like invaluable diamonds. But then one day, I do something bad – a heinous crime that involves my best friends. I stab them in the back and act in the most selfish way, destroy their lives totally. Life goes on. One day I wake to find myself on an island. Long stretches of mountains are visible in the background hinting towards the vastness of the island. All alone by myself, I start walking. Beautiful palm trees line the shore as I watch from the top of a cliff. But the water is giving me the creeps inside – a possibility that I might be left all by myself on this paradise. I continue walking for miles. The island is full of fruit trees, fresh water, birds of paradise chirping their sweet song, but there is no human to be seen. This mere fact is exhaustive in its own way. Days pass by when one day I see a house from a mountain. A ray of hope shimmers and I reach that house after a few hours of walk. Now this house is not some ordinary piece of sand and brick structure. It’s no smaller than a castle and its magnificence can be felt even from the outside. The hope brightens and I enter that house and start exploring it. Ornate ceilings, gold furnishings, sophisticated design – the house has a totally royal look. There is everything for survival – foods of all types, shelves lined with books, modern gadgets, and rooms with furnishings I’ve never ever seen. The only thing missing in the whole house is its occupants. Its only after searching the entire house that I realize that my worst thoughts have been realized and I have been shunned into a life of social seclusion. It’s then when tears start filling my eyes and I cry – and I cry for hours.

All that is what happens in my dreams but I often wake up shockingly only to find myself with wet eyes.

“Loneliness is awful”.